hello

1/8/18 …. one year ago today our world was turned upside down. I’ve been dreading this day and hoping my memory doesn’t play out this day again from 365 days ago.

Our first ultrasound was in December, 2017 and having still the innocence of a first time pregnancy, Kyle and I were excited. I can still remember our little baby on the ultrasound screen. The ultrasound tech checked her measurements and her heartbeat and explained the results to us. Unfamiliar with what was considered healthy, I had to ask, and she stated that our baby was “pretty perfect.” Amazing heartbeat and all looked perfect.

Having that peace of mind of a first appointment that went beautifully, we started making plans for our future family of 3. We chatted about names, when she’d be joining our family, and possible designs of her room. This whole time I felt amazing – I felt honored and privileged to be blessed with this pregnancy. I felt strong and beautiful to be carrying our baby.

Our regular 12 week ultrasound was scheduled for 1/8/18. Having felt incredible the entire pregnancy and no signs that anything was wrong, we looked forward to seeing how our little girl was growing at that next appointment.

Our doctor first did a scan over the belly with a handheld machine – I could see her beautifully on the monitor and I remember telling the doctor how much bigger she was this time than the last time … and she responded that that was absolutely what we wanted to see (obvious, I know, but it was a happy moment at that time and I couldn’t resist). Our doctor then seemed to get tense and almost anxious, so being keenly aware of the situation we were in, I asked her what she was doing. She explained that she wasn’t seeing the blood flow like we should be but that perhaps it was the low quality of the machine we were using so she wanted to get us into the ultrasound room for a full ultrasound.

My heart sank. I started shaking and fearing the worse. Kyle and I sat there waiting for what felt like hours for a room to become available to us.

When we finally got called in for a full ultrasound, my heart was racing. Moments later she delivered the heartbreaking news – no heartbeat. Refusing to believe my baby was already in Heaven, I begged for her to bring someone else in to prove her wrong. She promised me she was certain. It was like the wind was knocked out of me and I had to gasp for air.

My heart was broke in a million pieces and watching Kyle try to accept the news while being strong hurt me even more.

My D&C surgery was scheduled for the next morning, and I left trying to grasp how we went from pure excitement to pure devastation in a two hour appointment.

The next morning I had second thoughts- was my baby not ready to be taken from me yet? Am I forcing her out before she was ready by doing this surgery? My mind wouldn’t stop: the guilt, the hurt, the tears.

I shut down after that. I didn’t want to hear from my friends and only some family I could bare to see. My heart hurt. Those two days changed me forever.

Thru all of this, I have to think that although we loved her so much even before we ever had the chance to meet her, God managed to love her even more and knew she needed to be with Him. Since then and even today, I pray that our sweet girl feels our love, that she’s strong and healthy, and that she feels so blessed. I know that I feel so blessed to be chosen as her mommy.

Miscarriage will change a person forever. You can go from the highest high to the lowest low in a matter of seconds, and you will never ever forget those moments.

Throughout this experience, I’ve learned a lot of lessons and have had a lot of realizations looking back as it relates to pregnancy experiences. I’ve learned to never ask someone when they’ll have their next baby … for all we know, they could have been trying for years. I’ve learned to never offer advice to a woman going thru something as terrible as a miscarriage unless that advice is sought. I’ve learned to never say “well at least you know you can get pregnant” when a family or friend shares their miscarriage journey (when I would hear that … I think yes, but I wanted to be pregnant with THIS baby). I’ve learned to never compare someone else’s miscarriage to a woman going thru a miscarriage … no two are ever the same and trying to show that someone was further along and went thru it doesn’t make the woman in that moment and time feel any better. I’ve also learned to never stop letting someone know I’m thinking about them after they go thru a miscarriage.

Friends and family … the best thing you can do is just reach out and let a man or a woman who’ve experienced miscarriage know that you’re thinking about them and praying for them. Check in with them and see how they’re doing – even months down the road. That’s all. Let them know that their baby won’t be forgotten – no matter how far along someone was in their pregnancy, it was still someone’s baby.

I now know what it feels like to long for something so badly, and I pray always that anyone going thru this same experience gets to experience the joy their heart is longing for.

Today, sweet baby girl, you’d be over 5 months old. You’d maybe be rolling over and maybe starting to try some new foods and many others firsts. I pray that you feel mine and Kyle’s love each and every day and know that we look forward to holding you and meeting you when the good Lord is ready. Love you always ❤️